Travel Tips – #TravelTuesday

Traveling can be a hassle.  Especially with all of the various requirements just to get through airport security.  Below are a few tips to help make your travels easier.

1.)  If you don’t travel often, visit the TSA website a few days before your trip.  They let you know about all the screening requirements (liquids, etc.) so you don’t suddenly find yourself in the middle of a long security line with a 5 ounce bottle of something and now you have to either throw it or try to get it to your luggage.  Which leaves people behind you even more irritated.

2.)  Use common sense.  You can’t have any metal on you when you go through the metal detector.  I recently got stuck behind that guy that goes through 4 times before realizing he can’t have ANY metal on him.  This means belts, jewelry, coins, anything metallic!  Also, don’t complain if you have to get full body scanned.  It keeps our flights safer and every time I fly I am randomly selected you take 10 extra seconds and you are done.

3.)  Remember that while you may be traveling alone, you aren’t.  You are on a plane/train/bus full of people.  Don’t spill into another seat, especially if someone is sitting in it.  Don’t wear a ton of cologne or perfume or any other strong scented body product.  Don’t fart, go to the bathroom before getting to the airport or at least before getting on a plane.

4.)  Flights get delayed.  It is a fact of life.  This isn’t something new.  We understand you get frustrated, but don’t sit and complain about it aloud as you wait to get off the plane or get on the plane or frankly any time.  You sound like a douche.  Sorry, but it is true.  I sat and listened to a girl complain about how terrible it was that our plane was delayed an hour.  The plane was delayed an hour because the flight crew got in late the night before due to inclement weather and needed to get at least 8 hours of sleep.  I’m sorry, but I don’t want a sleep deprived pilot and co-pilot flying me around in a giant flying tube.  Yeah it sucks, but guess what?  You just flew across the country in 5 hours.  If you don’t like that, take the 5-7 days it takes to drive it.  Each way.  And don’t say, “I paid $300 for this ticket…”  I once did a road trip that was 1500 miles each way and paid way more than the $300 it cost to fly that same distance.

5.)  GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE!!!  I’m sorry, but every flight I am on we board the plane and everyone has to listen to the dick on his or her phone who feels the need to talk the entire conversation like the are shouting to the person in row 20.  Yes you may be making important business decisions, but you are annoying the rest of us.

6.)  If you fly once a year, don’t ask if you can be upgraded to First Class for free.  You won’t.

7.)  Don’t complain if people gate-check their carry-on on a puddle jumper.  Yes, I know you paid $25-35 to check your bag, but some of us just flew for 1-3 days and only needed a carry-on.  However, regional jets have tiny overhead bins that are made to hold something much smaller than carry-ons that meet the approved size.

8.)  Please use a carry-on within the approved size limit.  It is rude and douchey to bring an enormous carry-on that you spend 5 minutes jamming into an overhead bin that it probably will never fit into.  You hold up the line and hog space so I have to put my computer 10 rows behind me because that is the only space there is.

9.)  Boarding a plane is a simple procedure.  Most places do it by seating assignments.  If they call First Class, Business Class and Group 1 or A don’t stand up and move towards the line if you are in Group 3.  You clog the line and make it difficult for those that have higher numbers to get in.  When you get on, know your seat and quickly put your bag in the overhead bin and sit down.  I know it is fun to stand and chat, but you are slowing down the process which means the girl from Point #4 (above) is going to bitch even more and drive us all nuts.

10.)  Be courteous to the people around you.  If someone has their headphones on or is trying to sleep, they probably don’t want to chat about the terrain below or about your failing marriage.  I know the landscape is beautiful and I know it sucks that your spouse is making your life miserable, but it is 5:45am or 11:30pm, I want to rest a little.

Finally, this one is a bonus point for the airlines:

After First Class, board the plane from the back to the front and not vice versa.  I don’t know why this is such a hard concept but despite my best efforts people will take forever getting into their seats and getting their crap into place.  The best way around this is to work back to front.  Because now people can diddle around and not hold up an entire line.

One last note to complainers on airplanes (2:02 mark):

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